A touch of depression

I feel a certain comfort in posting on this blog because it's out in the open yet no one will read it. I guess it's kind of a false sense of security I feel while typing this out.

I am depressed. I have been for a long time. It feels good to just admit it. I always have to be the strong one. I am always fighting my own emotions to help others deal with their own.

I am so alone these days. I only have my husband and daughter. I have no friends. I have family but we aren't close anymore. I feel so isolated.

It seems like I try to reach out to people and I try to make plans to get together but everyone always bails. I feel so desperate to spend time with someone besides my husband and daughter. Don't get me wrong - I love them both to death but I need some ME time. Some GIRL time. I don't have that. I never did.

Even in high school I was alone. I would make plans to go to the movies with 'friends' and everyone would bail. They wouldn't call or anything. I would just show up to the movie and be by myself. There is nothing more depressing than that.

Now it's people that don't return phone calls, emails or texts. People that have their own lives and friends and no longer have time to even say hello to me.

I have been through so much in the last year. I have had to deal with my daughter getting sick and being diagnosed with an autoimmune disease that could be potentially fatal. I have had the excitement of getting pregnant only to lose all four of my hopeful babies. I have missed tons of work to be with my daughter during her seven hospitalizations. I have had to defend myself against family - when I  needed support I only received hate and felt punished for things I had not done or that were not my fault. I was attacked from every angle of my life. I fought with my husband. I thought I would get a divorce because we hated each other so much through the process of these terrible things we experienced. I have never had a more difficult time to deal ... and yet I had to deal alone. I am still dealing alone.

Nathan never wants to talk about the miscarriages. He says it is over and done and nothing can change that. He doesn't understand the impact that each little lost life has had on my life. He doesn't understand the inner tourmoil I face each day while dealing with the losses of those children and while dealing with Allissondra's illness. Not a single day goes by that I am not hating myself.

I hate my job. I hate busting my ass for people who could really care less about me and the money I need to survive. Working as a server really makes you realize how rude and inconsiderate people really are. They don't care that you have six other tables that need your attention. They only want you to get what they need and what they want. They don't realize that there undercooked or overcooked steak is not your fault. If the cooks fuck up the food then I suffer because of it. No one understand the bullshit that servers have to deal with every day they work. "Hi my name is ... " interupts with "I'd like a water" ... awesome thanks for letting me introduce myself asshole! I really hate my job. Every single day I walk into that place I consider just walking right back out. I love some of the people I work with but there is no comrodery in that place. I can have ten tables and be running my ass off trying to get drinks and refills and biscuits while my food is sitting in the hot window waiting to be pulled and other servers are just sitting around talking. No one even thinks about helping someone else. I shouldn't have to ask someone to help me when they can definitely see that I need it. I go out of my way to help the people I work with. I get nothing in return. Hell they aren't even friends of mine. Half the time they don't listen to a word I say. I can be in the middle of a sentence and they would start talking to someone else like I'm not even there.

I know this is just a bunch of complaining and bullshit but it feels good to get it out. Well actually it doesn't feel good. I feel like shit more now than before.

Another thing that really pisses me off is when people get food stamps or some other bullshit. I couldn't even get a medical card for pregnancy and I've worked every day of my life - yet some druggie can waltz into that place and get anything they want. That goes for people that claim bankruptcy too. Nathan and I were literally under the gutter with debt. We were so far beyond what we could manage that we were urged to claim bankruptcy ... hell we probably could have claimed it ten times - that's how far behind we were. Yet we fought our way out of it. We have fought tooth and nail to get our debts taken care of. We were paying out more every week than we actually made. But we're doing it. We have taken our debt down so much and have come so far in just the last year! We only have another 2-3 years before our debt is paid completely. So it can be done... all those losers out there just give up. We have fought and paid our dues.

Allissondra Elizabeth Waldron - Birth to half a year old

Birth 10-08-09

1 month - November

2 months - December

3 months - January

4 months - February

5 months - March

6 months - April

Allissondra is 6 months old!!!

6 Months! Already? The time really has flown by!

Allissondra never really rolled over ...She has been sitting almost by herself (with us close by) for about a month and a half now but she sits completely unsupported now :-)

She never did want to hold her own bottle. Around 5 months old we started giving her a sippy cup once a day or every other day. Yesterday (4-11-10) she held the sippy cup all by herself!! We are so proud!

Alli has also started using her blow up ducky bath tub. She sits in it all by herself and loves trying to catch the bubbles! She also loves her rubber ducky bath toys! :-)

Allissondra's Spring Pics

Allissondra's Professional Pictures

The first time we tried getting Allissondra's newborn photos done she wasn't very cooperative. But this is what we got.

<3 I love my hubby <3

So Nathan went to Kays and bought me this gorgeous diamond and black diamond ring. I love it! <3 It's my early Christmas present from him.

Growing so Fast

Allissondra is growing so fast! She is already a month old! It seems like yesterday I was in the hospital waiting on her arrival.

She has been smiling since she was a day old. She has so many facial expressions since birth too. But she just recently started laughing and goo-gaw-ing. It is so cute! She is also pretty good about keeping her head up by herself. We are so proud of her!

She had a pediatrician appointment on Tuesday November 10th and she weighed 8lbs 13oz and was 21inches long. She is in the 50th percentile of babies her age.

We are seeing her grow and change so much everyday! It is amazing!

The Life of a New Mommy

Having Allissondra is the best thing that has ever happened to me! Closely followed by meeting and marrying Nathan, of course. Being pregnant with her was amazing all in itself, but actually having her to hold and love forever is truely a miracle!

Everyone says your lives change durastically when you have a baby, but ours didn't. We still are able to enjoy the things we did before Alli was born. We can still go out to movies and stuff but we choose not to because we love to just be with our families and with our baby. The only thing that really changed was our sleep schedule, and that hasn't changed too much. We tried very hard to prepare ourselves for the birth of our baby girl and by doing so we were prepared when she came. We had everything we needed and had everything together and ready. We waited so long for her to get here, and we were so happy when she finally arrived!

I can hardly remember life without the loves of my life: Nathan and Allissondra. I don't know where I would be if I didn't have them. True, Allissondra wasn't planned for Nathan and I, but it is something that we will never regret and have never regretted. She is the best thing to us and we love her so much! We can't wait to watch her grow and learn!

I would say the only downfall to being a young parent is that people act like we don't know what we are doing. They talk down to us and don't listen when we tell them specific things about our baby. It is very frustrating and depressing when people look at you like you are doing everything wrong. I am her mother and I know what she wants, needs and likes. I spend every day and moment with my baby and I know what she is like. I hate that people think I don't know. Nathan gets it too. That people just think we don't know what is going on or what to do for our baby. But we are good parents and know what our baby wants, needs and likes. I just wish people would respect us and listen.

We are very excited to have our baby girl and can not wait to have another baby. Well we can wait...but we are excited for when we decide to have our next. We are hoping once Allissondra turns a year old that we can start trying for our next little one. But that is a while from now...so for now we are loving our first born and watching her grow and learn everything :-D

The BIG DAY

Back in the room after the C-Section waiting on them to bring in Allissondra

Nathan in the room waiting on them to wheel me back in

Allissondra minutes after being born...already sucking her thumb =-)

Proud Momma and Pappa

Oh how she looks like Nathan!

Her first appearance into the world

Nathan looking nervous while we were waiting to be taken back for the C-Section

Me after being told I'd have a C-Section - scared but relieved

Nathan and I were scheduled to be induced at Ruby Memorial Hospital on October 8th 2009 at 8:00am. They started me on the cervix pill to soften and efface my cervix. That pill immediately started contractions for me. I had fairly strong contractions in the 100s within the first hour. Her heartrate was pretty strong at first, in the 1402 and 150s. It kept going down every once in a while but they would come in and turn me on my side and it would go back up right away. We weren't too worried about it. The first time her heartrate dropped really low was around 4pm or so. It dropped down into 60s and 70s. They immediately came in and gave me oxygen and turned me on my side. They had to break my water and do an internal monitor for the baby's heartrate. They also gave me a shot to stop my contractions so Allissondra could get a break from the constant contractions. Then around 7pm I got my epidural to calm down and relax so her heartrate would stay normal. Soon after that they came in to give me pitocin to get my labor moving a little faster. As soon as the pitocin went into the IV her heartrate dropped down below the 60s again. Once again a ton of nurses rush into the room and give me oxygen, turn me on all fours. Her heartrate would not go back up. The nurses checked me and saw I was still only a 4 1/2 cm dialated. They got really quiet and we knew that we would end up getting a C-Section. Then the doctor came in and told us that we would definitely have to get a C-Section for the health of the baby. Her heartrate just would not go back up and we were willing to do anything to get her out healthy. We were relieved to hear that we were getting the C-Section because then we didn't have to worry about something going wrong. So within minutes of her heartrate falling they came in and gave Nate his scrubs and had us sign the papers for consent. Then they wheeled me into the operating room to get started on my spinal tap. Nathan had to wait in the other room until they got things started. The scariest part of the whole thing was in the operating room while I was getting the spinal. They had me on my side holding a monitor on my belly to monitor her heartrate while they found a spot to insert the needle for the spinal. Her heartrate dropped all the way down into the 16s! I was so scared but had to remain calm as much as possible. I had oxygen and was just concentrating on breathing to keep calm to try to raise her heartrate. It was extremely scary because the doctors kept yelling to hurry with the spinal, that they had to get this baby out! It was so hard to hear all the things that were happening and remain calm at the same time. In what seemed like forever they had me turned back over and did their test cut to make sure I was numb. I just kept asking if Nathan was in the room yet. I wouldn't open my eyes because I didn't want to get scared or overwhelmed by what was going on around me. They had Nathan come into the room and he immediately grabbed my hand and asked if I was okay. I just said talk to me. Just talk to me. I'll be okay just talk to me. In what seemed seconds she was out. The first cry was the most amazing thing in the world. Tears immediately filled my eyes and I cried. Then the nurse came to see if Nathan wanted to come with Allissondra while they cleaned her and weighed her. He was so worried about me but I told him to go that I would be okay. Before I knew it he was back with tears in his eyes and our beautiful baby girl in his arms. She was sucking her thumb and just being adorable. It was amazing! They had Nate leave the room while they transfered me to the other bed to be wheeled back into our hospital room. Holding Allissondra was amazing the first time and every time since. Even though we were exhausted we were thrilled and wide awake.

The next couple days that we spent in the hospital are kind of a blur. I remember most of everything but what day things happened are mixed up. I remember falling asleep in the middle of conversations. The worst thing after the surgery was trying to get out of bed the first and second times to go to the bathroom. I could hardly stand to sit up in bed let alone try to stand and walk to the bathroom. I had to have nurses and Nate help me just to walk the couple feet to the bathroom.

It was a stressful time and crazy time but things are settling down now. Her sleep schedule and eating schedule are still getting worked on but they are starting to work out.

The worst thing out of this whole experience is breastfeeding! I hate it! I am still working with her and things are kind of getting better but far from right yet.

STILL Playing the Waiting Game!

Nathan and I are still waiting on the arrival of our baby girl Allissondra. We have been hoping she would be here by now but she is being very stubborn!

We went in to the hospital today because we thought we were leaking amniotic fluid. I got checked and the test was negative. I also have not dialated any further (still around a 1). We were hoping to have her today or tomorrow but it doesn't look like it's going to happen any time soon. We go in for a doctor's apt tomorrow and will find out when we are to be induced. We are hoping sooner better than later.

We will try our best to keep everyone updated as best we can. Hopefully we will have good news soon.

Playing the Waiting Game

Nate and I are so impatient to have our baby girl. Ami had Mia and Rachel had Macy. We're next =-D

I am 38 weeks. I'll be 39 weeks on Wednesday. I am dialated to about a one still and my cervix has softened. But besides that nothing has changed. My doctor is going to strip my membranes on the 24th to help things progress. Hopefully I go into labor that weekend.

Keep your fingers crossed that she comes soon. We are ready for her to be here!

I will try to keep you updated as much as possible! <3

Rest In Peace Dad

Five Minutes
© Annmarie Campbell
I only had five minutes the day you passed away,I would have had time to tell you all the things I needed to say.I never got to tell you how much you mean to me,Or that you were the best dad, better than any man could be.The last time that I talked to youI wish I would have known.I would have said I love you,and kept you on the phone.If I only had five minutes, the morning you passed away,I'd give you one last hug so tight and see your great big smile.I'd tell you that I don't think I could live without you,not even for awhile.I'd kiss your cheek and take your hand and tell you it's okay to goAnd tell you that I'll miss you,more than you'll ever know.But you were gone so quickly,One last car ride you'd take.Before you even knew it, you were standing at heavens gate.Now God has called upon you,It's time to get your wings.To leave this life behind you,And enjoy all of heavens beautiful things.So wait for me in heaven Dad,Don't let me come alone.The day the angels come for me,Please be there to bring me home.

Counting Down - Getting Ready

So the time for Allissondra to be welcomed into the world is drawing ever so close! We are down to 6 weeks! Nathan and I have been doing a lot in preparation for our first baby girl to arrive but we have oh so much more to do.

We have received gifts from family and friends, and we appreciate it all so much! But unfortunately there is much more we need. Thankfully we have the most important stuff... the carseat, crib, bedding, dresser, changing table, diapers, blankets, clothes, bath stuff, diaper bag, binkies, bottles, cremes, lotions, receiving blankets, etc but there is much more to get. Including: hair bows and bands, piggy bank(not necessary but something we'd like if we get the money) , medicine kit, first aid kit, breast pump, breast milk storage containers, bottle warmer, drying rack, baby bath tub, wash cloths, thermometer, healthcare kit, oral health care kit, diaper genie and refills, backseat car mirror, backseat carseat protector, baby music, orajel, teethers, toys, window shades, highchair, and baby bottoms (jeans). We checked the stores and prices for all the stuff we have yet to get and it totals well over $500! We are hoping we can get the stuff before she gets here but we don't know if we can for sure ...

Besides the stress of getting everything we need, things have been good! I was tested for pre-eclampsia but it's not been diagnosed yet. My doctor is keeping an eye on everything. He says he thinks I am in a mild case of it but not severe enough to worry just yet. So they are just watching it for now. I have had less back pain thankfully! but more headaches! I now have a pain killer prescription to help with the pain and headaches. That has helped a lot! I have some moderate swelling in my lower legs and feet and mild swelling in my hands and face. Nothing serious or that noticable yet. Let's just hope it stays that way =-D ... my doctor is having me go in to the cardiac unit to be put under observation and tests. He wants to make sure I don't have a heart problem, bc I get dizzy and almost pass out and my heart races beyond belief! so they are checking on that too. I don't go in for that apt until the 25th of August.

Nathan and I are very excited and impatient for Allissondra to be born! We talk about it all the time and try to be as prepared as we can. We started taking Birthing classes last Thursday and have one every Thursday until Sept 10th. They are helpful but most of it is stuff that I already know from my baby books, but its nice to be able to ask questions and talk with someone who isn't in a rush like the doctor's.

We will be getting our bedding this week hopefully and we can't wait to set it up in the crib to get the final look =-D. Everything is coming together and we just can't wait for her to be here! I started packing my bags and diaper bag for the hospital. I almost have them competely done but still have a couple items left to get and pack. I will hopefully be done with the bags soon and have them put in the car and ready to go by the first week of September. Just in case we deliver early for some reason. It's nice to know that I have it together and won't forget anything important.

33 1/2 weeks down .... 6 1/2 weeks to go =-D

We are due October 2nd but keep your fingers crossed for the week of September 21st! Nathan has that week off work and we really want to deliver during that week.

Baby Kicks

I started feeling Allissondra kick when I was about 4 months pregnant. She has been quite active and I love it! Nathan has felt her move and give light kicks but Friday night he got to feel a whooper of a kick.

We were at the movies watching the Terminator Salvation. As always when I eat, Alli was kicking up a storm after every bite. I nudged Nate and he put his hand against my belly. Soon after she kicked his hand so hard that he was startled. He looked from the screen to my face with a look of pure surprise and excitement. I have been waiting to get that look. Everyone would say how their husband or significant other's face looked the first time he really felt the baby kick, and I wanted to see that look on Nathan's face so bad. I was so tickled when I finally got that look!

It makes me so much more excited now that I know he can really feel her move. I think it makes it more real for the both of us. We just can't wait to see her!

I have my second, and probably last, ultrasound scheduled for June 26th. I will be 26 weeks pregnant. I am really excited to see how much Alli has grown and changed. So next comes the ultrasound and then she'll be here before we know it.

We also found out at our last doctor's appointment that Allissondra has a 1 in 19990 chance of having down syndrome... which seem like good odds to me. It is such a relief to know that we don't have to worry about our baby's health. With those tests negative, we can breath easy for now =D

Over the next couple months we have a lot going on. We have BBQ's, parties, weddings, showers, reunions and so much more. We just hope we can make it all work.

Our Baby Girl

Nathan and I have finally chosen a name for our beautiful baby girl.

We chose Allissondra Elizabeth! =D

We chose this name because it was something we finally agreed on lol. Also it meets our expectations of what we wanted a name to be. I have always loved long names for girls. I think Allissondra is very elegant and beautiful for her name. We chose Elizabeth after my mother. I always knew since I was young that I would give my first girl the middle name of my mother. =D We also liked Allissondra because we could give her the nickname Alli. A nickname was really important because we knew we wanted a long first name, so we had to consider the possibilities. With Allissondra we get the best of all worlds! We have the long, elegant name with the short gorgeous nickname =D

We love our name choice and she seems to love it too! Right after we decided on the name I said it to her and she started kicking around and moving a ton! So I took that as a good sign. =D

We can not wait for her to get here in late September or early October! We have been working on our baby registry at Target and are really excited for the shower and her arrival! We have everything picked out, it just depends on what people decide to buy us and what we have to get ourselves.

We are going to do the nursery in lime green with pink accents. That way we can hopefully reuse the bedding for our next baby, no matter the gender. We can reuse the pink and green for a girl or just the green for a boy =D See we like to think ahead lol



We'll keep you updated!

XoXo