Newlywed Waldrons to Mommy&Daddy

I feel a certain comfort in posting on this blog because it's out in the open yet no one will read it. I guess it's kind of a false sense of security I feel while typing this out.

I am depressed. I have been for a long time. It feels good to just admit it. I always have to be the strong one. I am always fighting my own emotions to help others deal with their own.

I am so alone these days. I only have my husband and daughter. I have no friends. I have family but we aren't close anymore. I feel so isolated.

It seems like I try to reach out to people and I try to make plans to get together but everyone always bails. I feel so desperate to spend time with someone besides my husband and daughter. Don't get me wrong - I love them both to death but I need some ME time. Some GIRL time. I don't have that. I never did.

Even in high school I was alone. I would make plans to go to the movies with 'friends' and everyone would bail. They wouldn't call or anything. I would just show up to the movie and be by myself. There is nothing more depressing than that.

Now it's people that don't return phone calls, emails or texts. People that have their own lives and friends and no longer have time to even say hello to me.

I have been through so much in the last year. I have had to deal with my daughter getting sick and being diagnosed with an autoimmune disease that could be potentially fatal. I have had the excitement of getting pregnant only to lose all four of my hopeful babies. I have missed tons of work to be with my daughter during her seven hospitalizations. I have had to defend myself against family - when I needed support I only received hate and felt punished for things I had not done or that were not my fault. I was attacked from every angle of my life. I fought with my husband. I thought I would get a divorce because we hated each other so much through the process of these terrible things we experienced. I have never had a more difficult time to deal ... and yet I had to deal alone. I am still dealing alone.

Nathan never wants to talk about the miscarriages. He says it is over and done and nothing can change that. He doesn't understand the impact that each little lost life has had on my life. He doesn't understand the inner tourmoil I face each day while dealing with the losses of those children and while dealing with Allissondra's illness. Not a single day goes by that I am not hating myself.

I hate my job. I hate busting my ass for people who could really care less about me and the money I need to survive. Working as a server really makes you realize how rude and inconsiderate people really are. They don't care that you have six other tables that need your attention. They only want you to get what they need and what they want. They don't realize that there undercooked or overcooked steak is not your fault. If the cooks fuck up the food then I suffer because of it. No one understand the bullshit that servers have to deal with every day they work. "Hi my name is ... " interupts with "I'd like a water" ... awesome thanks for letting me introduce myself asshole! I really hate my job. Every single day I walk into that place I consider just walking right back out. I love some of the people I work with but there is no comrodery in that place. I can have ten tables and be running my ass off trying to get drinks and refills and biscuits while my food is sitting in the hot window waiting to be pulled and other servers are just sitting around talking. No one even thinks about helping someone else. I shouldn't have to ask someone to help me when they can definitely see that I need it. I go out of my way to help the people I work with. I get nothing in return. Hell they aren't even friends of mine. Half the time they don't listen to a word I say. I can be in the middle of a sentence and they would start talking to someone else like I'm not even there.

I know this is just a bunch of complaining and bullshit but it feels good to get it out. Well actually it doesn't feel good. I feel like shit more now than before.

Another thing that really pisses me off is when people get food stamps or some other bullshit. I couldn't even get a medical card for pregnancy and I've worked every day of my life - yet some druggie can waltz into that place and get anything they want. That goes for people that claim bankruptcy too. Nathan and I were literally under the gutter with debt. We were so far beyond what we could manage that we were urged to claim bankruptcy ... hell we probably could have claimed it ten times - that's how far behind we were. Yet we fought our way out of it. We have fought tooth and nail to get our debts taken care of. We were paying out more every week than we actually made. But we're doing it. We have taken our debt down so much and have come so far in just the last year! We only have another 2-3 years before our debt is paid completely. So it can be done... all those losers out there just give up. We have fought and paid our dues.